COLUMBO TO OBAMA

Ah . . Sorry to bother you Mr. Obama, Sir …

columbo

Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean President Obama, Sir.  Um . . I know you’re busy, and important and stuff.  I mean running the county is very important and — ah — I hate to bother you, Sir. I’ll only take a minute.. OK, Sir?

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering, Sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out.  You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.

Well, listen, I can’t seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be “Not released” or “Not available.” I’m sure it’s just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are — I — I have them written down here somewhere — Oh, wait.  Sorry about the smears. It was raining out. I’ll just read it to you.

Could you please help me find these things, Sir?

1. Occidental College records — Not released

2. Columbia College records — Not released

3. Columbia Thesis paper — Not available

4. Harvard College records — Not released

5. Selective Service Registration — Not released

6. Medical records — Not released

7. Illinois State Senate schedule — Not available

8. Your Illinois State Senate records — Not available

9. Law practice client list — Not released

10. Certified Copy of original Birth Certificate — Not released

11. Embossed, signed paper showing Certification of Live Birth — Not released

12. Record of your Baptism — Not available

Oh, and one more thing, Sir.  I can’t seem to find any articles you published as Editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a Professor at the University of Chicago.  Can you explain that to me, Sir?

Oh, but, hey — listen! I know you’re busy!  If this is too much for you right now — I mean — tell you what. I’ll come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, You know? I mean, I know you’re busy. I’ll just let myself out. I’ll be back tomorrow. And the day after. . , if necessary.

What’s that Mr. President? Who wants to know all these things?

We, the People of the United States of America !

You know, the ones who vote.

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